Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

Day 1: Something you hate about yourself.

I would have to say that I myself do not just have one single thing that I hate about myself… I have many.  But for the sake of time, (there is NEVER enough) I will only list a few.

I hate that I didn’t focus on academics in HS. I wish I had really pushed myself… instead of having my head in the clouds. I didn’t care much about school; I was more interested in boys, parties, friends, clothes etc. I never fully applied myself, and I feel like I had/have more potential…  But now I am in a different chapter in my life, and it seems like I again am missing that drive.

I hate the fact sometimes I feel like I am just rolling through life in a fog… always excited for the future but never enjoying the present, and almost always missing the past…

I hate the fact that I am too trusting and that it almost always backfires in my face… I wouldn’t say I am a shy person… but I am not overly outgoing either. I am not always the initial starter of conversation…  It takes me a bit to open up, but I always seem to trust another at full force. Instead of having those people earn my trust. And this always blows up in my face… And then I want to kick myself for ever trusting that person… I also don’t always listen to my gut… and again I want to kick myself for being so damn naive… 

I also hate the fact that for 3 + years my husband and I have been trying to conceive… I have always thought I would have a few kids…  Now don’t get me wrong I am so thankful, for our beautiful daughter. She is the light of my life and I would do anything for her. But it hurts; that longing of wanting to have another baby.  Sometimes I try to pretend or play it off that, I don’t really want any more kids… but deep down I do and it hurts… I have been to the doctor, but for a long time they told me that I was ok and not to worry. Recently I did a round of Clomid and was SO secretively hopeful… But the outcome was nothing… I have this constant thought of how “I am broken… how can I be broken?  I don’t want to be broken…”  There always seems to be something in the road stopping the process… I have now had to switch to a new Primary Care DR and will have to start this process all over again… But I guess I am so scared to really find out that I am truly broken and cannot be fixed…

Sincerely,

Me