Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

 

Day 3: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

 

Well here we are again for the day… Soul Searching… for something that I forgive myself for…

"“Always be a little kinder than necessary.” - James M. Barrie "Each person who ever was or is or will be has a song. It isn't a song that anybody else wrote. It has its own melody, it has its own words." - Neil Gaiman "Believe that there's light at the end of the tunnel. Believe that you might be that light for someone else." - Kobi Yamada “I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all of my heart.” – Van Gogh"

Well here is one… THIS I have carried since I was in middle school. I have often blamed myself for not being there more for a best friend… Mike was a year younger than me, and going through a rough time… and he committed suicide…  That was probably one the hardest times I experienced as a pre teen… He was a beautiful soul… I truly loved that boy.  He was such a good friend to me, but now looking back he was sad… and I am not sure why.  We had grown increasingly distant in the month before he committed suicide.  He was acting out… and I was too young to know, how bad he was hurting. The night he killed himself, I had this nagging urge to call him and talk to him… but I didn’t I was too busy talking to friends and boys. I have always wondered, “WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF, WHAT IF I HAD CALLED YOU?” Would you still be here? Well I will never know. But my dearest Mike, I will always think of you and never forget you. I remember thinking I will not forget you; I won’t forget your laugh, I won’t forget your voice… but over time, you are becoming more and more a distant memory. But friend I will never forget that smile… I will never forget hanging out in your room listening to Bush, Korn, Nirvana, and just waiting to grow up, excited to get cars, getting to high school years, swimming the previous summer in your pool, hanging out watching MTV, and so many other many things we did. I remember that day you wrote a heart in lipstick on my parent’s courtyard… and my dad was so pissed. I remember how you would skate board everywhere and how you tried to teach me and I was too big of a chicken…  I am so sad that you will never get to experience the things; I have been able to do! I often wonder what kind of young man you would be today. Would you be married, with kids? Or would you be traveling the world? And that hurts. My heart aches for your family. I am now a mom and cannot imagine a life without my daughter. I am sorry you hurt Mike. I am sorry. I am sorry I never called that night. I love you friend.  But I will no longer blame myself, or think I could have stopped you. This was your destiny…Even though  I do not understand it … Maybe one day I will get to see you again, and until then I will hold our short time close to my heart;  holding tight to our memories. I love you Mike. I will always be so thankful for our time together; our wonderful friendship. Rest In Peace.
 

Mike are some songs with so many memories...

Smells Like Teen Spirit Lyrics by Nirvana

“I'm worse at what I do best
And for this gift I feel blessed
Our little group has always been
And always will until the end
Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, hello
With the Lights out it's less dangerous
Here we are now entertain us
I feel stupid and contagious
Here we are now entertain us
A mullato an albino
A mosquito my libido
yay”

Glycerine  by Bush

“Must be your skin that I'm sinkin in
Must be for real cause now I can feel
and I didn't mind
it's not my kind
not my time to wonder why
everything's gone white
and everything's grey
now your here now you away
I don't want this
remember that
I'll never forget where your at
don't let the days go by
glycerine”

 

I'll be Missing You by Puff Daddy, Faith Evans, & 112

"Every step I take, every move I make,
Every single day, every time I pray
I’ll be missing you
Thinking of the day, when you went away
What a life to take, what a bond to break
I’ll be missing you

I miss you big

Its kinda hard with you not around (yeah)
Know you in heaven smiling down (eheh)
Watching us while we pray for you
Every day we pray for you
Till the day we meet again
In my heart is where I'll keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need (uh-huh) to proceed
Strength I need to believe
My thoughts big I just can't define (can’t define)
Wish I could turn back the hands of time
Us in the 6, shop for new clothes and kicks
You and me taking flicks
Making hits, stages they receive you on
I still can't believe you're gone (can’t believe you're gone)
Give anything to hear half your breath (half your breath)
I know you still living you're life, after death”

 ""Never give up hope. Know that you are loved." - Deepak Chopra “Let your tears come. Let them water your soul.” - Eileen Mayhew “Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water.” - Antoine Rivarol "